**Des petites vites**

                                              **Des petites vites **

 L'amour c,est comme une partie de cartes Si tu n'as pas

    un bon partenaire ,tu dois avoir une bonne main!

 A la pharmacie.la vendeuse dit:-on a des shampoings pour

  les cheveux gars,des shampoings pour les cheveux secs,

    des shampoings pour les cheveux normaux...

          Le client lui dit:En avez-vous pour les cheveux sales

 Le mari:a chaque matin quand je me rase,j'impression

             de rajeunir de 10 ans.

                Sa femme lui répond :Tu devrais te raser avant de te coucher !

 Apres 2 mois de thérapie ,mon phychiatre m'a dit '

        i'm sorry,i don't speak french

 Le pere :Trouvez -vous que mon fils me ressemble?

   L'ami :oui mais c,est pas graves :d'abord qu'il est en santé

 Le mariage est commee un mirage dans le désert :palais

 «cocotiers,chameaux.Soudain tout disparait

        et il ne reste que le chameau

 Un mari dit a sa femme sur le point d'accoucher ;

   Si le bébé te ressemble ca va etre extraordinaire.

     «La femme de répondre :Si le bébé te ressemble ,ca

               va etre un miracle

 Dans une maternité une infirmiere dit a une jeune mere

Votre bébé est un vrai petit ange ,une fois coucher

               il ne bouge plus!

    La jeune mere de répondre 'Le vrai portrait de son pere

 Une femme téléphone a son mari et lui dit'J'ai passé2

   semaine dans une clinique d'amaigrissement et j'ai

      fondut de moitié'

  Il lui répond »Reste un autre 2 semaine«

 Comment appelle-t-on un fonctionnaire qui travaille

        deux heures par jour ?Un hyperactif...

 Quelle est la difference entre un fonctionnaite et un

               chomeur?

 Réponse:Le chomeur a déja travaillé

 Au cimetiere de-des-neiges,un chinois dépose

      un  col de riz devant la tombe de son pere.

 Le gardien qui se promenait au meme moment s'approche

            de lui et lui demande

Quand pensez vous que votre pere viendras manger

                son bol de riz?'

 Le chinois lui répond :La meme journée que votre

                pere a vous viendras sentir les fleurs

           que vous avez placeées au pied de sa tompe

 Dis moi demande ce monsieur a son épouse si je

       venais a mourir aurais -tu beaucoup de peine?

                Oh!mon amour !comment peut -tu en douter!

        »Moi qui pleure pour un rien«!!!!!!!!

 Un homme entre dans une blibliotheque et demande

       a la prépossée

    Madame pouvez-vous m'aidée a chercher un livre?

    Certainement ,monsieur lequel?

 L'homme demande 'Le sexe fort' écrit par Émile Genest

 Les livres de science-fiction sont au sous-sol,monsieur.

Un momsieur est a l'hopital avec la tete enveloppée d'un

   solide pansement .Son infirmiere lui dit:

  Mon pauvre monsieur .votre femme doit vous manquer?

  Ce dernier répond:D'habitude oui.mais cette fois la elle

                  m'a eu

 Ca se passe sur un chantier :Le gars qui est un excellent

  ouvrier a les bottines sont usées a la corde.

  Le contremaitre lui lance Hey Joe!

     Tes bottines sont finies .Ma maison est juste la

   a coté.montre au deuxieme dans ma chambre et enfile

        ma paire de rechange

  Ca sera moins dangereux pour toi!

  Joe monte au deuxieme et rencontre deux superbes

   jeunes filles ,les filles du contremaitre.

 Bonjour !votre pere m,envoie pour vous faire l,amour.

 Les filles ne le croient pas,Alors le gars se penche a la

      fenetre et crie:

 O.K patron je les ais trouvées.Qu'est que je fais ?

Arrette de perdre ton temp pis mets-les toutes les deux

 Deux prisonnier,un noir et un blanc attedent leur verdict

        dans leur cellule .

 Le verdict tombe'20 ans de trou!

 Il s'entendent poue eventuellement se satisfaire mutuellement,sexuellement parlant

         Atant donc commencer le soir meme

  Ils décident de choisir cela a pile ou face chaque soir

    C'est le blanc qui gagne,

 Le noir fait la femme et se met en position.

 Il se tourne tout a coup et voit le blancqui se met

  au pénis un liquide gras et blanc.

  Il lui demande ce que c'est et le blanc répond que c'est

         de la vaseline 'il auras moins mal au cu...

Le soir d'apres et pendant 10 jours le blanc gagne et la

    scene se reproduit chaque fois de la meme maniere

        Puis un soir ce qui devais arriver, arriva

          et le noir gagne le toss.

 Le blanc accepte et se met en posotion

 Il se retourne soudainement ,et voit le noir qui se met

       sur le pénis une suptance grasse ete verte

  Il lui demande également ce que c'est

 L'autre lui répond: C'est du vicks.comme ca tu

            auras moins mal a la gorge !!!!

 Un gars revient d'une soirée d'hallowen.

  Malgré le fait qu'il y avait plusieurs belles filles a la soirée.

    il rentre chez lui bredouille.et en manque!

 Passant devant un champ de citrouilles.il se dit que 

      celle-ci doivent etre chaudes ,douces et humides

                   a l'intérieur.

 Il s'arette sur le bord du chemin ,entre dans le champ

  et perce un trou dans une citrouile

  Aussitot ,il se met a aller et venir dans le fruit

   la sensacion est tellement satisfaisante qu'il n,entens meme pas arriver la policiere qui s'approche de lui

 Elle lui demande poliment

 Excusez-moi monsieur ,mais vous rendez-vous compte que vous etes en train de baiser une citrouille;

  Hein?une minute ?Taba.......y'é tu déja minuit?

 Martin était sur son lit de mort ,Sa femme Martine ,

    Gardait une chandelle a ses cotés.Elle tenait sa main fragile et des larmes coulaientsur son visage pendant

    qu'elle lui récita des priere

 Martin le ragarda et sa bouche ,si fragile s'entrouvit

        Martine ma cherie ,je t'aime

  Elle lui répondit«Repose toi ne pers pas tes forces

      a essayer de parler»

 «Martine »dit il avec sa voix fatigué «je dois me confesser»

   «mais tu n'as rien a te confesser»Répondit sa femme

  Tous est correct /Essais de dormir

Non non Je dois mourir eu paix lui répondit Martin

      Et pour ce faire je dois te l'avouer ...

  J'ai couché avec ta soeur ta meilleur amie,sa meilleur amie

               et ta mere

 Je sais répondit Martine Maintenant repose toi

   et laisse le poison faire effet........

 «Histoire du grille pain»

 Suzanne se rend cher WalMart afin d'obtenir un remboursement ,pour un griile pain qu'elle a acheté et

  qui ne foncrtionne pas .

  Le préposé a la clientele lui dit 'Je suis désolé madame mais vous ne pouvez obtenir de remboursement car vous

 avez acheté  le grille pain alors qu'il était en solde'.

Suzanne leve soudainement le bras dans les airs et crie

»CARESSE MES SEINS,CARESSE MES SEINS»

Le préposé, ne sachant trop que faire .court chercher le gerant.ilexplique la situation au gérant et celui-ci revient et dit a la dame

 «Nous sommes désolé mais le grille pain ne peut etre remboursé puisque i etait réduit quand vous l'avez acheté'

Encore une fois ,Suzanne leve les bras et crie

«CARESSE MES SEINS CARESSE MES SEINS

Le gerant ,en choc lui demande «Mais pourquoi madame criez-vous ca?''

Suzanne répond ^PARCE QUE J'AIME QU'ON ME CARESSE LES SEINS QUAND JE ME FAIS FOURRER!!!

 Une fille ramene son copain a la maison Ils filent dans la chambre et elle lui suggere un 69 pour commencer

 Qu'est-ce que c'est que ca demande le garcon?La fille constatant l'inexpérience du garcon ,lui répond;

Moi je mets ma tete entre tes jambes ,et toi tu met ta tete entre les miennes,Sans rien n'y combrendre ,mais ne voulant pas gacher ses chamces.

Le copain accepte,Au moment précis ou il se trouvent en position ,la fille laisse échapper une flatulente bruyante et malodorante Le copain tousse manque de s'étrangler et saute du lit La fille ennyée lui demande pardon et lui dit que ca ne se reproduiras pas

 Ila se remettent en position d'attaque et au moment de s'y

mettre la fille laisse a nouveau échapper un vent nauséabond.Le copain furieux se leve et commence a se rhabiller

qu'estce qu'y t'arrive ? Tu vas pas partir comme ca?demande la fille

    Et lui répond

Tu crois quand meme pas que je vais me taper les 67 autres /?

 Un couple se rend chez un sexologue pour une session

      de thérapoe.

  L'homme demande

  Nous désirons que vous nous regardiez pendant que nous faisons l'amour

Le sexologue accepte.

 Quand le couple a fini ,le sexologue leur demande 50$ en quittant.en leur disant qu'il n'y avait rien de mauvais dans leur relation .

Le couple se presente chaque semaine pendant un certain temps et a des relations probleme et paie a chaque fois

  50$en quittant

  Finalement le sexologue leur demande

   Qu'est- ce que vous cherchez exactement?

   L'homme lui dit:

  Nous ne cherchons rien Elle est mariée et on ne peut pas aller chez elle

  Je suis mariée et on ne peut pas aller chez moi .

    le Holidey-Inn charge 90$ et le Hilton 108$

 Nous le faisons ici pour 50$ et mon assurance

   collective me rembourse 43$ par consultation !!!!

 C'est l'histoire de l'ex qui va au mariage de son ancienne

    femme Durant la soirée, l'ex va voir le nouveau marié

  et lui demande d'un air fendant,

   'Pis comment tu trouve ca rentre dans du stock usagé??

  Le nouveau marié regarde l'ex dans les yeux et de son air le plus imperturbable lui répond:

«C'est super!!Passé les deux premiers pouces c'est

           flambant neuf!!!

 Trois petits vieux qui étaient de bon amis se retrouvent apres de longues années...?

-Que faites-vous depuis que vous etes en retraite...?

  Le premier dit

-Moi je fais de la photo.

  Le deuxieme :

-Moi je jardine.

  Et moi le troixieme annonce

-Moi je fais de la recherche...!

-Ah bon...Et dans quoi..?

-Tous les jours ,je chercher mes lunettes ma canne mes clés

               mon dentier....

 Je marchais sur le trottoir avec ma fille de 4 ans.

  Tout a coup ma fille de pencha ,ramassa quelque chose

  sur le sol et s'appreta a le mettre dans sa bouche.

 

   Je lui ais dit qu'elle ne devait pas faire ca""Pourquoi ?"

   demanda-t-elle "Parce que c,est sale et probablement

      plein de mocrobes"

 

   A ce moment-la elle me regarda avec de l'armiration dans ses yeux et me dit "Wow Comment connais -tu toutes ces choses maman?

 

 "Euh..."J'essayais de refléchir le plus vite possible"""Toutes les mamans savent ces choses ..hum..c'est dans le test de la maman ?"

   "OH""

  Nous avons continué a marcher en silence 2 ou 3 minutes ,mais ma fille réfléchissais évidemment a cette information .

 

  "Ca y est ,j'ai conpris !!s'écris -t-elle"" ""Quand tu échoues le test ,c'est la que tu deviens papa.""

 

  QUAND VOUS FINIREZ DE RIRE ,FAITES SUIVRE A CECI A TOUTES LES FEMMES QUI SONT OU DEVIENDRONT MAMANS UN JOUR

                                       

 

 

 

11 votes. Moyenne 5.00 sur 5.

Commentaires (212)

1. **Jeannine** 25/11/2004

**Allo**Merci de venir me visiter et svp laisser moi un petit message ** bonne visite

2. Cécile 25/11/2004

tres bonnes tes petites histoires ah ah xxx

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bonjour Jeannine, merci de ta visite qui est fort intéressante a tout point de vue mon père est natif de Grande-Rivière GASPÉ
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